Haunted

Posted On August 6, 2008

Filed under life, Out of my element, self

Comments Dropped 12 responses

This is probably the hardest to write and most revealing post I have ever written.  But, I thought maybe if I wrote it and maybe if I shared this part of myself, even just as Wicked Step Mom, that maybe would help.  Maybe, I can let it go and move on…

It has now been two years since I last saw his face.  He has never called and has never attempted to contact me, but I think a part of me will always be haunted by him.  I still remember the first time that I got blamed and punished for something that was not my fault.  He had been transfered to a different truck depot at work which meant a new boss and a new delivery route.  Things were not going well for him.  The new boss didn’t like the way he did things and he was having trouble adapting to the new way of doing things.  He was coming home frustrated every day.  So, I went to the grocery store, and picked out some things that I thought would make a really nice dinner and spent all day preparing it.  When he got home, he took one look at the dinner I had made, and screamed “What the F%@$!  Are you trying to poison me?!?!”  Then took the entire dinner and threw it out.  The meal was still hot, so it melted through the garbage bag.  He was so angry, he kicked the garbage can and made it spill out on the floor, threw down the pots and pans and left.  I didn’t hear from him again until 2am when he needed to be picked up from the bar.  When I wouldn’t do it, he was pissed.  He finally got home at around 4am and screamed at me until 9am when he finally passed out drunk.  The next day, he acted like he had no knowledge of what had happened.  He even said, “You know, you should be more understanding because my boss wrote me up yesterday.  I know I alreadly explained this yesterday, there is no reason for you to be pissed at me today.”

That was the first of many times that this happened.  He would get drunk whenever he was angry and then scream at me or blame me for things that were not my fault.  Some people will tell me that I am making it worse than it was because we are now divorced.  Some people will say that I am trying to make it sound worse because that way I am the victim.  I still don’t consider myself a victim.  I could have said that I had had enough at any time.  I could have walked away but I didn’t. 

I still remember the last night it happened.  He got drunk again and was angry because he had been unemployeed and the first job he got was not a perfect fit, but he had to take it.  I won’t go into all the details because they are not important.  I walked away and didn’t look back.  The next morning he called me and wanted to see me.  I told him that he could, as long as my best friend could be there.  He reluctantly agreed.  When he saw me the first thing he said was, “I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to get home right now.  I am not kidding, I will not be embarrassed by you.”  I don’t remember exactly what I said but it was something close to, “You are not in control here anymore.”  He laughed and said, “You will go home now or there will be hell to pay.”  So, I looked straight at him and said “I want a divorce, and I am never going to do what you say again.”  He left but came back a few hours later, drunk again.  “You can fix this anytime you want!  You just need to do what I tell you to do when I tell you to do it!”  I walked away and the next tie I spoke to him, it was about our court date.

Don’t get me wrong, there were good times too.  And I don’t just dwell on the bad, but resently, I thought about it again.  It brought up a lot of memories and reminded me of times that I would rather just put behind me.  Maybe I will finally be able to deal with all of this and move on.

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12 Responses to “Haunted”

  1. Wendy

    This is what we’re here for. I’m sure you’re not making it out to be worse than it was. It was bad enough that you left and that’s all that matters. Just because you didn’t leave sooner doesn’t make it your fault. I dealt with one controller and one mean drunk. I know what you went through. I allowed the first to control me, and I dared the second one to hit me (that’s The Other, by the way). I agree with you about not being a victim. A victim is someone who has been so broken by something that they can no longer function normally. You are not one of those people.

    Put it behind you now that you got it out. Or write about it more if you need to get more out. You’ll be fine. And leave the baggage behind you honey. ❤

  2. Judy

    Been there done that.. and it does haunt you.. for years sometimes.. but..women are stonger..

    20 years,, and there are times I wake in fear.. for no darn reason…

    But mostly.. I’m ok..and he’s still a mean drunken bastard..so it all worked out ok

  3. Amy

    You are brave to share your story and I think that it is a great way to help acknowledge your feelings! I am not going to claim to know what you have gone through BUT I do think that our society expects us to ‘move on’, ‘put it behind us’ and ‘forget about it’ just too much. Life is hard and sometimes things happen that must be reflected upon and dealt with for many years to come. I hope that you can find away to make it less fearful and not as haunting but do not feel that you have to ‘be over it’, it is apart of your life and a part of who you are and sometimes we have to learn to allow ourselves to feel, even if it takes a very long time,maybe forever. This does not mean that we dwell or cannot function but that there are times … and that is okay! Just my thoughts!

  4. Tricia

    I’m so sorry for what you experienced. You don’t have to bleed to be humiliated and abused. Thank you for having the courage to share this. It takes all of our voices, all of our courage and all of our strength together to make a difference for ourselves and for the women who are still suffering in abusive relationships. We all have to stop asking, “Why doesn’t she leave?” and start asking, “Why doesn’t he stop?” When we share stories like this it helps so many others to have a voice, and it helps our daughters grow strong.

  5. Jamie

    That would be a hard story to share….. I can imagine it would haunt you and I pray that you will continue on the road of healing. I am glad you felt you could open up about it I think that is always a good thing.

  6. Wendy

    I left you something on my blog. =)

  7. sammanthia

    I hope by “some people” you didn’t mean people have actually said this to you. If so, that is total bs. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I APPLAUD you for leaving when you did. It probably would have been a matter of time before he physically abused you.
    You’re brave for sharing your story… maybe someone will come across this and it sounds familiar, and they take a little of your courage and they’ll GET OUT! And you will have made a big difference.

  8. Sandi

    Just started reading your blog. I like it.
    I will be back:)

  9. awickedstepmom

    Sammanthia:
    Some one actually said this to me. But, I don’t have any bad feelings for them. They just never had to live it.

    Everyone:
    Thanks for your support. I hope that someone out there does read this and it helps them. I hope that it can make it stop for someone.

  10. Sprite's Keeper

    Wow, I’m shocked that a man who loves you would be so controlling like that.
    I’m also relieved that you had the strength and courage to walk out and then face him and tell him how it was going to end. Way to take control!
    Thank God for women like you and thank God for Bear for proving what a REAL man is like!

  11. Tricia

    WickedSteoMom: I’ve created a page at Shout with links to people’s posts about family voilence, and included this post. You can find it here:
    http://www.shoutdaily.com/bare-naked/

    If you know of more, please let me know.

  12. Jen

    Just hugs from a fellow non-victim.

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