Fear and Loathing in Detroit

Posted On October 15, 2008

Filed under family, life, self, The Spin Cycle

Comments Dropped 6 responses

If you had asked me 5 years ago what my greatest fear was, I would have answered without hesitation clowns.  It all started when I watched the movie IT.  I watched it with my dad as a kid.  When Pennywise grinned with his razor sharp teeth and that gleam in his eyes while saying “They all float down here”, I was scarred for life.  Circus clowns, carnival clowns, birthday party clowns, or rodeo clowns all give me the hebejebe’s.  Because my fight instinct is stronger than my flight instinct when I am confronted with a clown I usually must suppress the urge to punch them in the face while screaming, “You’re gonna die clown!”  Before buying a ticket for a haunted house, I always ask if there are clowns inside.  Going to prison for assault of a haunted house actor just doesn’t sound very glamorous to me.

Clowns are not my greatest fear anymore.  The thing I am most afraid of now is letting people in, trusting people, letting my guard down.  It is the lasting scar from my ex-husband.  After our marriage ended, I started not trusting people and myself.  Well, it actually probably started before that.  Either way, I am scared of letting people get too close.  Because he got close to me and used it against me.  So, I keep people at arms length.  And I do my best to keep them there.  I am loathed to ask people for help because I don’t want to give them something that can be held over my head later.  Being with the ex was always a favor trading exercise.  If I needed him to take me to the doctor, I had better be prepared to do what he wanted later.  When people offer to do things for me, I still sometimes hesitate to say yes.  It comes from the fact that I still don’t quite trust my own judgement of people.

If I truly want to be a good StepMom (Wicked or otherwise) I need to practice what I preach.  I always encourage the girls to face their fears head on.  I try to give them the strength and the courage to not back down.  (Honestly, I think Bear is better at this than I am.  He is their protector and they are always less scared when he is there.)  The Show was afraid of heights.  We helped her by climbing to the top of a light house tower together.  Her entire body was shaking when we reached the top.  But, I made sure that she took a picture from the top of the lighthouse, so she would never forget that moment.  (Bear hung the picture in her room.)  The Tyrant is afraid of thunderstorms.  I was too when I was her age.  So, I do for her what my dad did for me.  I show her how cool the lighting and thunder looks during a rain storm.  We ooo and ahh over the light show.  The Mother Hen is afraid of the Mackinac Bridge.  We are still working on it.  Every time we cross though, we all link hands so that she knows she is not alone.  It is well passed time for me to face my fears and start trusting myself again.  Once I do that, trusting others will not be hard at all.  It is so easy to write about this and talk about this on the Internet anonymously.  But, it is time to face this in real life too.

6 Responses to “Fear and Loathing in Detroit”

  1. Sprite's Keeper

    Oy, that movie put a lot of clowns out of work! I was seriously afraid of masks when I was a kid. Hated them if I couldn’t see the eyes of the person inside. My mom kept a progress report from my kindergarten teacher alluding to this.
    Great spin and I love how you’re helping your girls overcome theirs.
    You’re linked!

  2. steppingoverthejunk

    Clowns. I share your lack of sentiments towards them! I love hearing about “step-mom-ism” in your writing. It is not only touching but informative for me! If I am ever married again, there will be a stepdad and I know nothing about those dynamics!

  3. Tricia

    I think scary clowns should be illegal or something. Why did the entertainment industry turn what is supposed to be a fun and silly thing for kids into something scary? I guess I could ask the same thing about dolls and the movie with that creepy Chucky character.

    I love the things you’ve done to help the girls face their fears. What great insights.

    I wonder if blogging helps face the fear of trusting yourself and beginning to trust others. I completely get where you’re coming from on this one and I wish you all the best and hope you’ll share some of what you learn along the way.

  4. Krystal

    I am the same way about trust because of something that happened when I was younger. It took me alot to trust Hubby and he is about the only person I really do trust! I trust him more than me. I think this is a fear I will have to face soon and all I can say is I’m with you on this one.

  5. HeatherPride

    I love the ways you have helped your children overcome their fears. Holding hands over a bridge? That’s awesome. Very touching.

  6. halfasgoodasyou

    Great spin, I’m not sure how I missed it before now! I have a hard time trusting also, I was with my ex (not husband tho) for six years and was lied to and cheated on and the works. It took a long time to be able to trust again but my husband has me 100% and it’s a great feeling. I hope you overcome your trust issues and can let people in. It’s nice to have help every now and again and there are good people out there who don’t want anything in return.

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