Guilty

(A Spin Cycle Entry)

I am sure all step-parents go through this but I wonder if bio-parents do too.  Sometimes, when the house is full of kids, I long for it to be just Bear and I.  Then, I feel really guilty about it.  Because, it’s not that I don’t want them around, just alone time is nice too.  Othertimes, when it is just Bear and I, I wish the kids were around.  Then, I feel really guilty because I know that we can’t keep them all to ourselves.

Does anyone else go through this?  How do you deal?

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11 Responses to “Guilty”

  1. Erin

    You are not alone at all. I have the same issue. I would take a bullet for my kids but I also crave alone time with my husband.

    In fact, I sometimes don’t know how bioparents do it because I go stir crazy sometimes when I don’t feel like we have the downtime.

    We see my stepkids pretty often so I don’t feel like there’s not enough face time. As for how I handle the guilt of liking it when they’re at their mom’s: I just realize that’s part of who I am.

  2. Sprite's Keeper

    Totally not alone! There are times John and I go out, and have been looking forward to it for weeks, only to miss Sprite the entire time. Then sometimes, we look at each other through the sea of tantrums and wish for quiet time with each other. You’re linked and forgiven!

  3. Lea

    I’m fairly certain that you are not alone when it comes to feeling guilty for wanting alone time, though I’m not like that, as you can read below…

    There are many times I wish I was all alone, even though I am home alone most all day as it is, while they are at school.. (I know, how much alone time does one person need!)

    Do I feel guilty? Nah, not really. But, it’s probably mostly due to the fact that I am severely bipolar. with the excessive noise they create and if they are directly around me, the constant movement of teenage boys (the girl, nearing her 18th bday, talks lower, less and moves less then the boy) it all sets my bipolar brain off, causing migraines and rapid feral crankiness, more often than not, winding up with me telling them to go outside and skateboard. And yes, I even did this when we had a snowstorm and have been known to send them to the other childs home.

    And yes, there are also times I wish that the kids were here, that the three of us could quietly cuddle on my bed watching a movie. Unfortunately, the girl and the boy don’t get along very well, so any time there is an attempt for the three of us to peacefully watch a movie – or do anything together – there’s often times snipping and yelling at each other, which then again…,. sets my bipolar brain off and we all get cranky.. so those times of quietly cuddling, watching a movie or doing things as a family, are far and few between. Usually, it’s just me and one kid at a time.

    Don’t beat yourself up for feeling guilty, at the same time though try not to feel that way, it’s a bit of an energy wasting emotion, also causes stress. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend alone time with your significant other or even some alone time to yourself, both are healthy things to do, as a parent, a partner and most important, a human being.

  4. sammanthia

    I would love just an hour to myself and yes, I feel guilty about it. Why do we make our job so much harder than it already is? We all strive to be the perfect parent when I don’t think there’s any such thing. I guess all we can do is best we can and if it means taking an hour our two to ourselves, we should do it.
    Right?

  5. StepMom Magazine

    Most stepmoms suffer from the guilt monster. Most biomoms suffer from the guilt monster too. Guilt is an internal mechanism for guarding again complacency and wrong-doing – which says you’re a good person and are trying to do the right thing for the kids in your life, even if it means you sacrifice a little bit of what you want or need. I would recognize that and move past it. Everyone needs alone time – especially couples. When you consider that the divorce rates for second marriages are upward of 60 to 70% (10-20% higher than the rates for first marriages) it’s not only normal to want time alone together – it’s vital! Remember, you fell in love with HIM first. It’s the reason these little people are part of your life in the first place. The beauty of the “every other weekend” schedules or part time parenting agreements is that it enables couples in blended families the luxury of alone time – something that first marrieds with kids go without. Cut yourself some slack. Enjoy it. And use your time well!

  6. halfasgoodasyou

    Are you kidding me? If I could sell my kids on ebay, I think there were days when I might actually consider it. I mean, just kidding. I love my kids to death but they have completely taken over every aspect of my life right now and I would like SOME time for just my husband and me to just chill. Now I feel guilty for typing that.

  7. penelope

    Well. I’m not a stepmom *yet*….but I I think what you’re talking about is experienced by most people. I know that when I was still with the ex, I would sometimes just wish that it could be just the two of us. I think that it’s important to have *couple time* apart from the kids…no matter if you’re a wicked stepmom or not. 😉

    Time without kids isn’t just nice – I think it’s essential to good mental health.

  8. HeatherPride

    Heck yeah, I do this all the time! I miss my kids all day long at work, then if I go home and one of them is being a butthead, I wish I was back at work! ha!

  9. Jenny

    WSM . . . I go through this, too. And I echo everyone else’s sentiments. My two girls see their mom every weekend and an afternoon during the school week. I miss them during those times, but I also enjoy the quiet (as quiet as it can be with a 2.5 yr. old boy). It’s okay to miss them, but I hope you feel that you can enjoy it as bonding time with Bear.

  10. penelope

    The more that i think about it, the more that i feel it’s really important to have that ‘bonding time’ with your partner…it makes you a more effective person, AND parent…step or otherwise. 🙂

  11. movindowntheroad

    I feel guilty after three weeks of being full time mom, when I look forward to a weekend when they are with their dad so I can sleep and hang with J one on one (when he is home) and just recharge. It’s normal. It’s like two different lives. We love them both but often need the other.

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