Spin Cycle: Dating

(This is an oldie but a goodie.  I hope you enjoy.  I think we will be printing off copies for the boys that are interested in The Mother Hen and The Show.  The Tyrant may be a world dictator by the time she is old enough to date, and it would just be a waste of time. )

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter


 

  
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______
Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring,
nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced
cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED “YES” TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

 

When would be the best time to interview your:

       father? _____________

       mother? _____________

       teachers? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

       ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

       ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

       ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

       ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

       ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, WATER BOARDING, AND CASTRATION.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Principal                            State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
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Careful what you wish for…

Posted On May 28, 2009

Filed under frustration, life

Comments Dropped 7 responses

I learned today, that I am going to need a new phrase for people who are getting on my nerves.  Saying “bite me” is just too dangerous.  Especially if someone takes it as an invitation to bite the person saying it.  After being flicked in the head, twice in the last two weeks by a co-worker, I just can’t be too cautious. 

So, I need your help.  I need something relatively clean to say at work to people that are bothering me.  “F*@# OFF!!” is not a very good option.  What are some of your favorite things to say to people who get under your skin?

What we teach our kids

Posted On May 27, 2009

Filed under family, frustration, parenting

Comments Dropped 5 responses

I had the “pleasure” of encountering a family of jerks.  I wish that I had had the pleasure of throwing water balloons at them.  I did however learn quite a few things from my encounters with them.  And even though I wish that I had not had to spend time with them, I am glad I was able to learn something from it.

I learned that without a doubt jerk-behaviour is taught.  That is not saying that one bad apple can’t happen.  But, if the parents are jerks, the kids will be jerks too, in most cases.  For this family, this was true from the grandparents on down.  Part of me feels bad for the kids who will become adults because they were just never taught anything better.

I learned to always trust my instincts.  If I feel something is wrong, but I just can’t put my finger on it… It is still best to remove all of us from the situations as quickly as possible.  It could be something subliminal or something that just feels not quite right, but it is important to follow that danger sense.  Every single time I don’t, people turn out to be undeserving of the benefit of the doubt. 

I was reminded that it is our responsibility to teach our kids to be respectable human beings.  No one else is going to teach them and if we don’t they will follow whatever seems like the most popular thing to do.  And that might not be the best thing for them to do.

I just hope I am teaching the girls right with my daily actions as well as my words.  Actions speak louder than words and I truly hope that I practice what I preach.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Wait, it’s Tuesday already?

 

 

Welcome to this week’s edition of Random Tuesday Thoughts.  Check out Keely’s place if you want to know more.  I am too tired and it feels like Monday.

* I am taking up a new mantra.  “Boys are like coffee.  Best when ground up and stored in the freezer.”  It may not last long because I like coffee and don’t want to defame it by linking it up with teen-aged boys who make my girls cry.

* Poptarts are the ultimate breakfast food.  There is fruit and grains and frosting.  (Assuming that you get the right kind of course.)  I just wish that they were cheaper.  We go through like 4-6 boxes a week.  Perhaps an intervention is in order.

* I wonder if miniature cowscan be kept as pets.  If they can be, would they make good guard animals, like ducks or geese do?  I want a mini-cow.  I will name him Bill and he can keep us safe from grass.  Because he will eat it all.  This way, I won’t want to put in AstroTurf.

* The girls were playing a lot of Thrillville in party mode for the Xbox this weekend.  It has a bunch of mini-games where you can compete against eachother.  My favorite parts to this was when the Tyrant beat her sisters she would dance and shake her butt in celebration.  The Show was using a sniper rifle on the roof tops to shoot her sisters in a cowboy shoot-out game.  The Mother Hen, who hadn’t really played the game before had to keep asking which buttons did what.  When her sisters didn’t answer her, she would tickle them until they told her.

* Over the weekend we had hotdogs on the grill.  Bear made them.  They were awesome and they had no burned parts.  He just worked himself into a job.  And I can be demanding for grilled hotdogs with no burned parts. 🙂

Spin Cycle: The Great Gerbil Hunt

I have already read some interesting gerbil/hamster stories this week.  But, I have to add this one to the Spin Cycle.  Because it shows a lot of things about our relationship as a Tribe.

A while ago, when Bear was still living in his old house, the girls had some pet gerbils.  The Mother Hen had put the gerbils in their rodent balls.  (Yes, I said rodent balls, but what else would you call these things: )

Anyway, the top must not have locked properly, because one of the gerbils made a great escape.  The Tyrant saw the empty ball and shouted.  The hunt began.  We searched every where for that darn thing. Bear and I walked into the kitchen, just in time to see it scurry across the floor and dive into an open vent.  Bear ran and slid across the floor and shoved his hand into the vent to try to snag the little beast.  But, it ran away from him and went into the duct work under the house. 

All three girls immediately burst into tears.  The blame game starts.  “She put it in the ball!” “She was supposed to be watching them!” “She kicked the ball and sent it into the other room!” Its about 9:00 pm.  It is the middle of February in Michigan.  This gerbil does not have a chance of surviving over night in the duct work.  Bear and I look at each other.  He sighs and shakes his head, “I am going into the crawl space, aren’t I?”

Bear went into the other room and started changing into some warm, grubby clothes.  The Show asked, “Are you really going to get her, Daddy?”  He grumbles, “Yes.” She jumps on him and hugs him, “Thank you, Daddy! I love you!”  So, with a small smile on his face, he went out the back door and started to crawl under the house. 

He can hear the thing in the duct work.  Its little nails on metal echo through the crawl space.  He started taping on the pipes with this flashlight to see if he can track it down.  After about an hour, he has it cornered into a 4 foot stretch of pipe.  Meanwhile, I am in the house with the kids trying to keep them calm.  The Tyrant has been in tears for almost an hour and so she is sticking close to me.  Under the house, Bear shouts up, “I have it cornered!  Can you move into the bedroom and see if you can see it?”  So, The Tyrant and I move into the bedroom.  The Show and The Mother Hen have started watching TV. 

The Tyrant and I see the gerbil in the duct.  She gets excited but it runs the other way.  She starts crying again and I start talking to her trying to calm her down.  Bear shouts, “Keep it down up there!!  You guys are scaring it and I can’t reach it now!”  So, I pick up The Tyrant and move her out to the couch with her sisters.  Bear and I then spend the next hour and a half trying to get the gerbil to go into the opening he has created.  He finally snags it and comes back into the house, gerbil in hand.  He is filthy and freezing as he drops the gerbil into its cage.  He walks into the kitchen and grabs the duct tape.  He then sets it calmly onto of the rodent balls.  “Next time you guys put the gerbils in those things, tape the lid shut.” he very calmly declares and then walks away.

Step Mom Fail #286

The number 286 is completely made up, because I am quite sure that the number is much larger than that.  But, I am still learning so, I will give myself a small break. 

The other day, The Tyrant was in rare form.  She was picking fights, arguing over every little thing and lamenting about how unfair the world is.  When she does this, we usually square off in a battle of wills.  I assumed that she was just being extra willful that day as she does from time to time.  As the day progressed, instead of her getting better, she got worse.  Usually, we will have a epic smack down for about two hours and then she is back to herself.  I really should have had a clue that something was really wrong, but I didn’t.

Towards the end of the day, I want to pick her up and hug her fiercely while screaming “What’s wrong?!?!”  Because she just kept finding things to fight about.  Normally, when this goes on, I can take a step back and try to sit and talk with her.  It takes a lot of will power, because I am usually frustrated but, I can sit and talk.  Maybe I was tired, or maybe I thought she was just trying to get away with something, because it never occured to me. 

We battled all day long.  Bear faught with her as much as I did.  (Probably a little more, truth be told.)  At the end of the day, I threw my hands into the air and gave up.  I looked at her and said, “If you want to be mean, be mean.”  She started crying, hard.  (See, I am a wicked step mom…)  I sighed and said, “What’s wrong?”  She replied, “I am not telling you, because you think I am mean.”  Eventually she told Bear in a fit of tears what had been bothering her. 

I can’t help but feel like I failed her.  I should have been more perceptive, or more patient.  I guess hind-sight really is 20-20.  The only thing I can do, is try to be better next time.  (Wish me luck, okay?)

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Need sleep

It’s Random, It’s Tuesday.. Want more? Go see Keely.

* I do not well with little sleep.  I have been sleep deprived all week.  I have been forgetting things, losing things, and losing track of the time. The worse thing I did was look for my cell phone while I was holding it in my hand.

* The dinner wars have intensified in our house.  Our rice eater is no longer eating rice.  She never ate potatoes.  I am running out of stuff to try and feed her.  It use to be so easy with her.  Just cover whatever it was in ketchup and she would eat it.  Now, even ketchup won’t save us.

* The Show has become quite the student.  She spent three days working on her paper, almost non-stop for her English class.  We are very proud of her.  Even though she was a little cross-eyed from staring at her computer monitor.

* A co-worker of mine is starting a farm.  He is getting himself really set up.  Now, other co-workers are fantasizing about working on a farm and cutting themselves off from the world.  No phone, no TV, no internet…  And I was with them until they said no internet.  I am an internet junkie.  And I will not go to a 12 step program, thank you very little!

* The Mother Hen got a new phone.  He old phone was  pre-paid so she had limited texting.  Her new one is on a family plan, and she can text as much as she wants.  Her phone has been beeping off the hook and she sounds like a legal secretary typing on the little keyboard. At least we know we can always text in her chore list.

* Bear and I were watching Wheel of Forture last night.  We get way too much entertainment about making fun of the way people are dressed on the show.  There was a lady wearing a green shirt with a very wide belt across her stomach.  Bear asked, “Why would you need a Belt of Giant Strength to hold on to your Christmas Tree bib?” 

* I had a craving for a BBQ chicken pizza this past weekend.  So, I ordered a small and barely ate two pieces.  I was shocked.  I guess part of me still remembers what it was like when I weighed almost twice as much as I do now.  I would have eaten an extra large by myself.  I am still surprised at the fact that I eat so differently.  (As a side note, I lost the weight because of three reasons: 1. getting rid of my ex 2. new food allergies 3. exercise)

* I still remember what it was like in the very beginning with the girls.  They used to really hate me.  So now, when we are sitting there and laughing at our own inside jokes and Bear is rolling his eyes at us, I am so grateful.  People always want to know how we got to be the way we are, and all I can say is time and love.

I want one!

Posted On May 14, 2009

Filed under self

Comments Dropped 6 responses

Okay, I have got nothing today, but I think this person is a genius and now, I must have one of these!

Glad

Posted On May 13, 2009

Filed under frustration, life, rant

Comments Dropped 3 responses

There are a multitude of reasons that I am glad that I am an American.  And sometimes, I will read something in the news that only re-enforces that thought.  That happened again yesterday.  I came across an article about wife-slapping in an Islamic country.  A judge stated that it was okay for a husband to slap a wife if she spent lavishly.  His statements may or may not have been taken out of context but, the point is that there are a lot of people that think is it is perfectly okay to slap your wife.  They are fighting to change this and they are working to make things better.  I am just glad that I live in America and that battle has already been fought and won. 

I am glad that I live in a place where the girls will not have to be subject to their husbands and male relatives whims.  I am glad that we can have jobs, and drive.  That we can own property and vote.  That we don’t have to marry in order to survive.  I am very glad and grateful for where I live because while things may not always be equal, at least we have a chance to get there.

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