Spin Cycle: Dating

May 29, 2009

Filed under parenting, The Mother Hen, The Show, The Spin Cycle, The Tyrant

10 responses

(This is an oldie but a goodie.  I hope you enjoy.  I think we will be printing off copies for the boys that are interested in The Mother Hen and The Show.  The Tyrant may be a world dictator by the time she is old enough to date, and it would just be a waste of time. )

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________  WEIGHT____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______

Do you have parents?               ___Yes  ___No
Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring,

nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced

cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED “YES” TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

 

When would be the best time to interview your:

       father? _____________

       mother? _____________

       teachers? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

       ______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

       ______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

       ______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

       ______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

       ______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

       ______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, WATER BOARDING, AND CASTRATION.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature

_______________________________      ________________________________
Principal                            State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.

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