A series of guests: Part 3

Posted On August 12, 2009

Filed under Guests

Comments Dropped 9 responses

I started reading the UnMom about 6 months ago.  My favorite part about her is the she reminds us all that we are more than just mothers.  We are people too.  People who talk about zombies and ninjas and whatever else we are obsessing about.


I am not an “accessories” kinda girl. I buy pretty rings and never wear them, I don’t wear earrings, and while I can own 17 pairs of similar jeans, I only own one purse (I KNOW). My house follows the same theme. It’s a little cluttered, but it’s with books and movies and random bits of paper. I think I own a grand total of 4 knick knacks. And maybe a couple of pictures in frames.

So when I finally, at the ripe old age of 33, became a mother, the thing that came as the biggest surprise was the amount of CRAP babies come with.

Before my child had even uttered his first bone-chilling shriek, he had crowded one room of my house with a crib, a change table, a Pack n’ Play, a swing, a Jolly Jumper, a monitor, an Exersaucer, a play mat, many many diapers (both cloth and disposable), at least four thousand blankets, and not one, but TWO bouncy chairs.

I remember standing in the doorway and wondering where the fuck I was going to put the actual BABY.

I mean, seriously, this tiny person, less than 10 pounds (barely, cough cough, thankyouverymuch), already needs his own U-Haul?

And now, he hasn’t even been in existence long enough to get a tech school diploma, and he could fill his own wing of the house. He’s somehow managed to acquire a high chair, a tricycle, a wading pool, a rocking horse, three hundred books (in addition to the three hundred I already owned myself), 12 Elmo DVDs, two potties, more pairs of shoes than I’ve probably EVER owned, stacks of clothes that only fit him for 30 seconds, two toy boxes, and of course the toys. OH DEAR GOD THE TOYS. I don’t buy the toys. I don’t know where the toys come from. The toys come out of the WALLS, man, they’re coming out of the FREAKING WALLS.

(Naturally, he plays with none of them.)

But I was holding him the other day, and he was smiling and laughing. We were having fun, one of those brief moments when it feels like you’re getting this motherhood thing right, like it might be almost easy. I thought, “I bet we look pretty good. This little man makes me look GOOD.” And that was it, right there. An epiphany. I may not be an “accessories” girl, but he’s the ultimate accessory. We don’t need anything else, none of this crap, these things, his stuff. All we need is each other.

So I put him down and called 1-800-GOT-JUNK. Because it’s driving me fucking crazy.

9 Responses to “A series of guests: Part 3”

  1. Sprite's Keeper

    I just shove it all into her room and close the door. Then realize her door is the french kind and EVERYONE can see how much we don’t emphasize the “clean up” philosophy. FAIL!
    Very cute!

  2. (notSO)SuperMommy

    awww. i love this post. but i have 6 *ultimate accessories and sometimes they choke me. just a little. lol

  3. Life of a Stepmama

    Isn’t it amazing?? I couldn’t tell you how many baby showers I have thrown but it never ceases to amaze me of all the stuff they need and get!! Just having my 2 year old SS here this summer added a ton of crap to our house, and our garage. My motto is the less the better but when you are running errands or doing anything with a kid that involves leaving the house its like you have to pack for a weekend getaway and god forbid you forget something important, just trying to remember/keep track off all the stuff was pure mental exhaustion. I do not know how mothers of more than one child do it, it seems so hard!!

  4. Jamie

    Too funny!!!

  5. halfasgoodasyou

    Aww, X is quite the cute accessory. I don’t do purses either so the whole concept of carrying a diaper bag isn’t something I’m good at. It sounds like you have the same magical toy fairy that we do, all of my friends use us as their dumping grounds for shit they don’t want.

  6. Captain Dumbass

    How is it that they don’t give a damn about 99% of those toys but the second you mention getting rid of some, even the broken ones, and they turn into screaming snotty banshees?

  7. Ms. Salti

    Crazy how kids come with so much crap. And I love that you said they fit in their clothes for 30 seconds. So true!

  8. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    Once upon a time, long, long ago…OK, 6 years ago…I used to be able to keep my house all neat and tidy. But then Princess Nagger arrived. So. Much. Stuff. And now – So. Many. Toys. and Stuff. Captain Dumbass asked the same question I have – how is it they suddenly decide they NEED to keep something they NEVER play with when you want to clean things out? *sigh*

    Awesome guest post, Keely – you bent that time and space continuum brilliantly. 😉

  9. Leslie

    Wow you are SO SPOT on with this post. I couldn’t believe how much stuff just seemed to appear before our eyes once had our first child. The comment about the four thousand blankets and the three hundred books made me nod my head in agreement so rapidly I almost got whiplash! And it gets worse the more kids you have!

    Anyway, congrats on pairing down on the “stuff” – but seriously – only ONE purse???

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